I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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