At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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