If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
