Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
are you so shy because you have an std?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
