P.S. I can't hear my feet
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She needs sedatives and a leash
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
