Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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