Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
