haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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