I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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