So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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