You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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