I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
