i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
