I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
