Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
