I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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