ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
