Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
