I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
