If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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