So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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