I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
