Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
