Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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