Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Terrible idea I love it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
