can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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