Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
