I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
