loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
