finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
