maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
everyone is single if you try hard enough
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
