We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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