She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize