I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
