Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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