I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
