Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is my gift to your gina
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
