They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
