i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
