I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
