i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
