1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
