wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
