Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
