I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
