It's like God shit irony all over that family
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize