I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
