The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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