im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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