i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
