party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize