I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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