oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
