I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
