Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
