The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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