i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
