My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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