Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize