so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
