: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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