So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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