You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
