let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
