3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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