I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
